Redefining

It's been a long time. Sometimes I missed blogging, other times I didn't. I have decided to blog for myself. I'm tired of comparing myself, my children, my marriage, my home to others. It was making me miserable.

Life got hard after baby #4. My life was over as I had known it. I was no longer fun mom....I was frazzled, overwhelmed mom who cried and yelled a lot. Other moms had their stuff together and I compared myself a lot. Luckily, I had great friends there to help (at least until many of them had babies of their own!) And that part of my life will have to be a blog post of its own. It's not fair when #4 is your hardest baby.

We bought a house FINALLY. It was 20 minutes away in a community that was 10% lds. It went so smoothly and we were excited to have a place of our own and be in a safe neighborhood with great schools. I was excited to make new friends and for my kids to have more friends their ages.

Moving was more emotionally taxing than I had imagined. I cried a lot and questioned our move almost daily over the next few months. It was really hard to make friends. Our new ward was not overly friendly and we felt lost among a lot of other young families with young kids. We promised ourselves it would get better and tried harder. I felt more like myself when I stopped nursing Lauren. The hormones made me pretty crazy for the year. I felt a little more control when the kids went back to school after a hard summer.

We will celebrate our 1 year anniversary on Saturday. I still have no close friends in my new ward. The Relief Society teachers don't know my name when they call on me and many Sundays I make it through the entire block without a conversation with anyone. This is partly my fault, I realize, but I am terribly lonely. There is a certain mold in the ward and community that I don't fit into. I drive an old van, have loud obnoxious children, don't work out at the gym, wear things from 3 seasons ago,  don't have money to travel every school break, don't have any amazing talent, etc. Okay. Enough with the woe be me. However, if Clint ends up finding a job in another state (as he is losing his current job soon...go figure), I am all over that.

I must do something because I can't continue like this, especially if we live here for a long time. I am choosing to  redefine myself and not let others' lives affect my self worth. After 4 kids,  I have lost myself. I must find things that I enjoy, am good at and bring happiness to myself and others. Friends bring me much happiness (and most of mine are 20 minutes away now), but I can't be defined by how many I have.

 I am hoping blogging again will be a good outlet....even if it is just for me.

Here's to redefinition.